Clever Disguises
by Nassa
Summary: It just sneaks up, you none the wiser, and waits for the perfect moment to strike. Rated T for minor swearing.


Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist is not mine and I'm not making any profit out of this.

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Havoc walked through Eastern HQ's mess hall with his lunch tray looking for a familiar face to sit with. Spotting Edward a few rows away Havoc decided to grace him with his awesome presence.

"Hey boss," greeted Havoc with a smile, ever present cigarette only staying in place from years of practice. Edward looked up from his food.

"Oh, hi 2nd Lieutenant Havoc," he said looking surprised, "what are you doing here?"

Havoc gave him a flat stare, "This is the mess hall, what do you _think_ I'm doing here?" he chuckled. Edward gave a sheepish smile and shrugged, which brought Havoc's attention to the plastic cup and spoon in Ed's left hand.

"Say, boss, what's that you're eating?" asked a curious Havoc. Ed blinked before defensively shielding the cup from Havoc's sight.

"It's mine! You can't have it!" Edward growled. Havoc put his hands up in a placating gesture.

"I never said I wanted to take it," Havoc said, inwardly amused by Ed's antics.

"Oh, okay," said Ed, anger forgotten.

"So, what is it?" Havoc asked again, watching as Ed broke into a face-splitting grin.

"Peach yogurt! I don't care if the cafeteria's food is normally radioactive, twitching, or has questionable origins; their yogurt is the BEST!" proclaimed an enthusiastic Edward. Going on to discuss the greatness of yogurt in all it's gooey glory, gesticulating wildly and almost clocking a man to his right with his automail arm. Havoc laughed at Ed's childish display of zeal, and the unfortunate man's frantic dodging going unnoticed by Ed, until a thought occurred to him.

"I thought you didn't like milk," Havoc said, looking perplexed.

"I hate it! Milk is evil with its grotesque color and disgusting taste!" Ed vehemently proclaimed at the mere mention of the words 'like' and 'milk' in the same phrase. The rest of the sentence finally registering, Ed grew confused by the seemingly random and unrelated statement, inquired. "Why do you ask?". He scooped some yogurt into his mouth.

"Umm, you _do_ know that yogurt is made from milk, right?" Havoc asked cautiously, feeling like he was walking on egg shells. All expression dropped from Edward's face, and he abruptly spit out the yogurt present in his mouth.

"What?" he choked out, pale.

"Yeah. I heard they like, stick shrooms in milk and BAM!" Havoc accentuated this statement by slamming his hand on the table, "Yogurt." he finished (1). At that revelation Edward went from pale, to green, to yellow, to ashen gray, before settling on a disconcerting mix of all four.

"I-I-I g-got-gotta g-go-!" Edward managed before suddenly gagging and making a stumbling run in the direction of the bathrooms. Havoc, and the people nearby who heard the conversation, couldn't help but gawk as they watched Ed go; Havoc's cigarette falling out of his gaping mouth to land on his lap. First smoke, then pain eventually registering in his brain he jumped up and put out the cigarette and the beginnings of a fire in his lap, thanking his stars that it hadn't damaged any important equipment.

"Oooooh. That's gotta hurt." a voice suddenly spoke, from directly behind him. Havoc started, dropping the cigarette he was just taking out, and looked over his shoulder immediately recognizing the perpetrator.

"Damn Hughes, you scared the hell out of me, you're lucky I didn't shoot you," Havoc stated, still jumpy. Hughes gasped.

"How could you! Who would have taken care of my dear girls if something had happened to me, eh?" Hughes asked dramatically, then in typical Hughes fashion shoved a picture in Havoc's face.

"Speaking of my girls, have you seen this adorable picture of my wonderful daughter Elysia? Why she's so cute, she'll have have all the boys after her when she's older. Of course none of them will get anywhere near her if my weapons and I have anything to say about it. No way will I let my innocent child be deflowered, at least not in my lifetime, but I _do_ want grandchildren. I suppose I could always-" Havoc decided to nip this bud before it overgrew the figurative garden.

"I hope Ed's okay," he interjected, hoping it would be enough to distract the ranting father.

"Hmm? Oh yes, I actually came over here to ask you about that, what happened?" Hughes answered, not noticing Havoc's concealed sigh of relief.

"Edward was eating yogurt. I asked him why he was eating it since he hates milk, which is what yogurt is made from. Apparently, this was news to him so he left to empty his stomach of the abomination," Havoc said. Hughes gave a short guffaw.

"For being an alchemical genius, Edward can be very dense sometimes," Hughes stated looking contemplative.

"I guess that's one more thing he's going to add to _the list_," he said at last.

"List? What list?" Havoc asked.

"I was in the library a while back, and I saw this list he has of stuff he thinks is pure evil," Hughes said ominously.

"Really? I bet Mustang is in there," Havoc whispered conspiratorially.

"Your gambler is showing, and yes he _is_ in there. Right below needles and above milk, actually."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Ed stormed into his lodgings disheveled and angry, after an hour long puking date with a charming toilet in the bathrooms, and saw Alphonse glance up at him from a book he was reading. Edward instinctively knew that Al would have been frowning if he had a face, but when Al tried to ask him what was wrong, Ed would have none of it and assured his little brother that he was fine. Alphonse clearly wasn't convinced but let the matter drop as Edward went to his suitcase, and pulled out his travelogue. Edward opened it, flipped to the last page and scribbled in number eight:

_The Super Suck List_

_1. Hohenheim- enough said_

_2. Needles- because they suck and need to die._

_3. Colonel "Bastard" Mustang- He is an evil hell-spawn with a stupid laugh, flashy gloves, who insults innocent people of being short WHEN THEY'RE NOT YOU BASTARD! And his smirk is stupid too._

_4. Milk- it's gross and disgusting, and just thinking about where it comes from makes me want to puke._

_5. Envy- because he is an ugly gender confused palm tree bastard that likes to call people that are NOT short, short._

_6. Cream- horrible product made from milk_

_7. The homunculi- they need to learn to die so they can then learn to STAY dead._

_8. Yogurt- The demon child of milk, cleverly disguised as a delicious dessert. DO NOT BE FOOLED!_

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(1) I know that yogurt is bacterial fermentation of milk, but I thought bacteria, the my thoughts jumped to fungi then mushrooms.

A/N: Thanks again to my sister for beta-ing this, but if there are mistakes feel free to point them out as it helps me be a better writer :D


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